All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
