I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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