you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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