I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
