3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize