i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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