you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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