genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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