my vag is so smooth its legendary
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
