Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Mom said you looked used
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
