Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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