My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
