Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
