I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
