You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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