Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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