If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
