Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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