I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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