Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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