Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
