Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
