He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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