Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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