he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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