At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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