hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
