I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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