If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize