Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
