highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize