Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
