Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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