saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
soo... how was my night?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
