On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
