sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
