My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
