god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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