just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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