Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize