Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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