dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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