You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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