So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
