She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
