I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
