i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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