Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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