Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
