My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
