U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the condom got lost in my hair
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
