Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The air taste purple.
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