Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
