When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
