God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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