if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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