I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
