I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
