i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
the raccoons are back...
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