I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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