She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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