rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
