Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize