Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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