I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
