i think my mom watched the whole time
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
