At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
