If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
babies were throwing up all over the place
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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