Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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