wakey wakey hands off snakey
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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