i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
