Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
