Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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