the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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