the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
