we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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